Confessions of a Bridge Phone Talker 

by Tom Kelly

I was the bridge JA phone talker for the maneuvering watch on a Trident out of Bangor.  This was a watch station I had to fight vigorously to keep.  In my humbled opinion this was one of the best watch stations on the boat.  If you played your cards right and adhered to proper phone talking procedures the CO would start to see you as a valuable member of the crew.  This REALLY helped when it came time for qualifications.  I spent 3 patrols in the bridge with the CO and probably logged close to 30 maneuvering watches.  After awhile they become second nature and you can anticipate all of the orders.  It became so routine that the CO was having all of the JO’s who were trying to qualify see me before they went up in the bridge for the first time as JOOW.  The CO told them to tell me to brief them on everything they can expect.  Shortly after we had a change of command.  Our new CO was not well liked.  In fact he was hated by a LOT of the crew.  Truth be told our previous CO was so LOVED by the crew it would be difficult for anyone to step in and take his place.

I quickly learned that things were going to be different in the bridge during the maneuvering watch.  Instead of allowing the JO’s to learn the ropes of the specific harbors we were traveling in and out of he was constantly grilling them on basic seamanship and ships attitude in the water.  Granted, they did need to know how the boat performed, but on their first watch in the bridge it was, in my opinion, a bit too much too soon.  All of the JO’s were getting beat up pretty bad up there.

One of the new JO’s we had come aboard came up through the enlisted ranks so everyone immediately took him under their wing to get him qualified.  He was slated for the maneuvering watch coming out of Pearl which was one of the trickier ports we maneuvered in.  I knew he was going to get the crap kicked out of him by the CO.  The enlisted guys were not very well respected by the CO.  He took every opportunity to prove how stupid we were.  This JO was treated almost as bad.  The CO seemed to resent the fact that this JO was prior enlisted.  Knowing this I pulled the JO aside and told him what to expect in the bridge.  I told him that the CO was going to ask him a barrage of questions about how the boat reacted in the water.  If he were at a 2/3rds bell and rang up a 1/3^rd bell how long would it take the boat to reach 1/3^rd turns?.  If we turned 10deg how long would it take to swing the bow 10deg?  Looking at the wake on the bow how many turns are we making?  Question after question.  The JO started to really panic.  I told him not to worry…every time the CO asks you a question I would tell him the answer.  He looked at me like I had two heads.  How will you know the answer?  Easy, I lied, I have been up in the bridge more times than the CO has and I know this boat like the back of my hand.

We stationed the maneuvering watch; I am squeezed up to one side of the bridge with the JOOW and OOW next to me.  The CO and the harbor pilot are in the flying bridge.  Sure enough, we cast off the last line and the CO starts in on him.  Mr. Smith did you review the track the navigator laid out for departing port?  Yes sir.  What is the first turn Mr. Smith?  Left 20 deg to 180.  And how soon, in your opinion before we mark the turn?  Excuse me sir?  Mr. Smith I am asking a very simple question.  At our current speed how long will it take before we reach the turn?  Already the JOOW’s eyes look like they are about to blow out of his head.

As quietly as I can, I say into the JA phones “Quartermaster, Bridge, mark time to the first turn.”  “Bridge, Quartermaster, 2 minutes.”  “Quartermaster, Bridge, aye.”  This was the secret to my success.  If you lean against the side of the bridge no one sees your hand on the key for the mike.  Every time the CO asked the JOOW a question I simply called down to control on the JA and got the answer.

The JOOW turns to me with this deer in the head light look.  In my Oscar Award winning performance I look intently around at the markers, look down at the bow, look back up at the markers, turn around to look down the length of the boat, turn back to the JOOW and whisper to him “2 minutes”.  The CO says “ask the Navigator to mark time to the turn”.  The JOOW grabs the 21MC and asks the Navigator.  “2 minutes” is his response.  Needless to say the JOOW is shocked and the CO is a little perturbed.  Mr. Smith I would like you to tell me when you think we should make the turn.  Yes sir.  On the JA phones “Quartermaster, Bridge, mark the turn”.  The JOOW looks at me and I just wink at him.  “Bridge, Quartermaster mark the turn”.  I look at the JOOW and nod.  Captain I would make the tu…before he can finish the Navigator comes over the 21MC “Bridge, Navigator mark the turn”.  The CO responds to the JOOW very well make your turn.  Again, looking a little upset. 

This game continues for the next 45 minutes.  Every time the CO tries to screw with this JO I bail him out and make him look like a sea-going god.  During one of the “change in speed questions” I lean over to the JOOW and say “One of the best ways to determine ships speed is looking at the seagulls flying next to the boat.  Count the number of wing flaps in a 10 second period.  Multiply the wing flaps by five then divide by three.  That will tell you ships speed pretty closely.”   Of course it is a complete load of crap, but by now the JO will believe anything I say to him.  After awhile he starts some acting of his own, really trying to sell it to the captain.  After every correct question the CO gets more and more pissed.  He finally says, Mr. Smith it would seem that you are a seaman savant.  Bring your qualification cards to my stateroom after dinner.  He then departs the bridge and goes below.  As soon as they are sure the CO went below the OOW and JOOW went nuts.  How the HELL did you know all of that stuff?  I told you, I have been in the bridge more times than any person on this boat. 

This is a definite no shitter.  The JO’s and more importantly the CO never got wise. .

Published October 2006